Joke

[Biggles]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
"I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on
Broadway, he had the right credentials.


The agent asked, "What's your name?"


The guy said, "My name is P*nis van Lesbian."


The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."


"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I
will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."


The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like P*nis van Lesbian! I'm telling
You, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent
you."


"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and
he left the agent's office.


FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...


"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to
make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never
make it in Hollywood with a name like thingy van Lesbian. After I left your
office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to
change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed
with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so
the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.



Thank you for your advice.


Sincerely,


Dick van Dyke



(I don't care who you are,
that's funny.)

[jbmack]

Yes, you will like this one, that's if you can understand them !!!






1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.





3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.





4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.





5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.





6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.





7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.





8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.





9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.





10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.





11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.





12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'





13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.





14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'





15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.





16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.





17. A backward poet writes inverse.





18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.





19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.





20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.





21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'





22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'





23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.





24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'





25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.





26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

[Biggles]

A more current one for sports fans.

What do you call an Aussie who can handle a bat ?
.
.
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,A VET

[jbmack]

grow your own footballer

www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/08/05/scientists-reveal-worlds-first-lab-grown-footballer/

[columbo]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

QUESTION:

How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

SCENARIO:

You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.

You are carrying your Police issued Glock pistol and you are an expert shot, however, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWER:

A British Police Officer:

Firstly you consider the man's Human Rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?

9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway - what kind of message does this send to society?

11) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

14) If I shoot and wound him, and then lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

Canadian Police Officer:

BANG!

American Police Officer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

'click'... Reload...

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Minutes later, your Sergeant and twenty six of your nearest colleagues arrive at the scene.

They remark on your 'nice grouping.

[jbmack]

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man just groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he
returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled
man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right
buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred
replied...








... "The balcony."

[hammy]

Daughter asks her Dad whether her boyfriend can stay the night.

The Father replied "Can he f**k".

The daughter replied "Yeah, like a rabbit"