On A Lighter Note

[Biggles]

;D ;D Worth Reading ;D ;D

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
> >
> > Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
> >
> > Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
> > his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
> >
> > Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
> > my
> > interest.
> >
> > The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
> > something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
> > 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
> >
> > The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
> > long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
> > to retreat to safety....??
> >
> > WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
> home.
> > I
> > loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
> > Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
> > button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
> > get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
> > prongs.
> >
> > AWESOME!!!
> >
> > Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
> > on the face of her microwave.
> >
> > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
> > it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
> >
> > There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
> > (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
> > that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
> > target.
> >
> > I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
> > second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
> > if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
> > against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
> > advertised. Am I wrong?
> >
> > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
> > glasses
> > perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
> > and tazer in another.
> >
> > The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
> > your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
> > and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
> > purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
> > water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
> > batteries.
> >
> > All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
> > long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
> > AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
> > possible way!'
> >
> > What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best
> ....
> >
> > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
> > side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
> > burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
> > decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
> > touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ....
> >
> > HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .. WHAT THE ....!!!
> >
> > I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
> > in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
> > over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
> > fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
> > on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
> > my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
> >
> > The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
> > to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
> > attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
> > living room.
> >
> > Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
> > note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
> > zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
> > from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
> > second burst would be considered conservative!
> >
> > A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
> > that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
> > surveyed the landscape.
> >
> > My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
> > recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
> > originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
> > twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
> > bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.
> >
> > Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
> > sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
> > my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
> > testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
> >
> > P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
> > and
> > now regularly threatens me with it!
> >
> > If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

[johnoakes]

;D
They never ever get jokes as good as that in Christmas crackers.

brilliant.LOL--made me laugh and cry at the same time.

brought back memories of student days and a brown paper jacket put on the landlady's cat.(RIP--LOL)

[Biggles]

John I also recall a sort of tazer, when on a residential course we found that sliding shoes along nylon carpet built up huge reserves of static, ideal for when a colleague exited the bathroom wrapped in a towel and still wet. Good idea until we zapped one guy who actually got airborne across the room as though hit by lightening bolt. When he recovered he told us that he was really susceptible to this as his wife had discovered one night when she flicked him with a nylon nighdress and he flew across the bedroom in similar fashion, the flash lighting the bedroom up apparently.
Not sure I wanted to delve deeper into that incident at that moment.

[johnoakes]

;D

As my physics teacher used to say--" We would none of us be here but for friction."
LOL